pic of the day

It takes some serious ego to believe that we know what another person is walking through and to judge... today we can instead focus on compassion and do what we can to encourage...

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”
- Paulo Coelho

pic of the day September 8, 2011

yep... house offer #3 is in and just waiting now to see if the seller accepts my offer... I could SO see myself making delicious coffee in this kitchen and curling up on that window seat to drink it while watching a rain storm... I've got an active imagination LOL

pic of the day

another twist on the house buying adventure.. and I put an offer on this house today! I'm discovering that it's that whole phenomenon called "not knowing".. doesn't matter what the question is but if I don't know the answer it drives me nuts with suspense and excitement.. but it's also what makes life so fun! so now I wait and see what the seller thinks about my offer.. and more importantly I will get to find out what the Big Dude Upstairs thinks ;) and if I get this house I'm gonna have to plan a girl's night with that hot tub in the backyard!

perceptions

I took this today and thought "wow I look tall as a shadow". That got me thinking.. just maybe EVERYTHING looks taller in shadow.. or maybe it's all shorter. Maybe MY perception of something is what defines it's description. Just for today I will do my best to not judge people, places, and things around me based on my perception because just maybe there is something deeper than just the shadow I see...

casting my vote...

does this mean I want a world full of diet coke? pretty much, yeah.

more more more

Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’
- Martin Luther King, Jr

More, more, more. I want more... it's what drives our society. For many of us it is what motivates us to work hard, so we can have more stuff, bigger stuff, prettier stuff, shinier stuff. I am convinced that one of the biggest lies floating around the world today is that more stuff will make us happy. More financial security will make me happy... if I can just get more bright shiny things then I will be ok. Now I enjoy a new bright shiny thing now and then, but it's never truly brought me any REAL joy.

As crazy as it sounds we all at some point buy into this lie. I have.. but what if our purpose here on this earth is not to seek our own happiness and security but instead to make another's existence happier, easier, or to simply help someone else to not feel alone in this world. Maybe MY ultimate happiness and joy is obtainable if I can simply seek each day to help another.

I believe that this is what the Big Dude wants from me. It's why I love being a nurse so much... overwhelming opportunity to serve others, whether it be my patients or their family members or my coworkers. Everyone on this planet can make a huge impact on another person's life every single day if we choose to. It doesn't matter whether you are a millionaire or homeless, a PhD or a high school dropout, whether you walk or drive a porsche. It doesn't matter. A kind word or smile can change another person's life.

So how about instead of seeking more more more stuff today I will seek out more more more opportunities to practice random acts of kindess.. encouraging others when I can see that they might need it...

Oh and free hugs and high fives can change a child's life.

pic of the day

yep that's right, I made my first ever offer to buy a house today... a big deal and very exciting and I only felt like vomiting once. LOL

my tombstone

Not to sound morbid or anything but I've been thinking alot lately about how I'm living my life because I've seen so much death. In my role as a nurse I see a lot of death.. and lately it seems that I've faced a lot of deaths in my personal life as well. I truly do not think death is to be feared based on my life experience and spiritual experiences so far, so death is not frightening to me so much as it is curious. None of us knows when it will come to us... and after recently losing a couple friends I started thinking more about what I want my life to be with the time that I'm allotted.. however long that might be.

I want to live my life so that my tombstone reads something like this... "here lies Angel, she wasn't perfect. She was just human but she loved with her whole heart. She lived each day to the fullest and learned from her mistakes. She did her best to learn from everyone she came in contact with. She tried to make her family proud. She made someone else's journey special. She encouraged others. She uplifted others. She cared. She tried her best. She laughed a lot. She totally loved the Big Dude Upstairs. She made others laugh. She understood that the only thing she could take from this Earth was the love in her heart and she tried to leave this Earth a better place than when she got here. She got back up every time she fell down. She gave out lots of free hugs. The End.

I am going to try today to live up to my tombstone. If.. no, WHEN I fall, I will get back up. I will wipe away the tears and put a bandaid on my boo-boos and keep going. I will do my best to encourage and support others. I will give out free hugs and be true to myself. I will try to help another person. I will just try my best.

22 things I learned in my first year as an RN...

1. something all new doctors and nurses learn fairly quickly.. it's a universal law in hospitals... never ever EVER say "slow" in a hospital.. or "quiet"... or "calm".

2. do not ever say "I don't know what day shift was talking about, he hasn't had a bowel movement all night" because within an hour you will be engulfed by poo...

3. it is ok to cry after your patient dies.

4. a wall suction canister works great to drain your Foley bag, especially if you need to walk any distance to dump it and don't want to wear urine on the front of your scrubs.

5. there is no "I" in nursing unless you are trying to win a spelling bee.

6. the opposing shift is not your enemy (see #5).

7. it is ok to say "I don't know" and usually if you are willing to ask you can find someone who does. always always always put patient safety before your ego.

8. charting is very very very important.

9. 'real world' nursing is SO not like Grey's Anatomy or ER. believe it or not, we do NOT have sex in the breakroom, in fact we are too tired from working hard to do anything but eat, pee, and sleep during our breaks in the breakroom.

10. we as medical professionals often get so used to being elbow deep in other people's body fluids that we forget that our friends and families might not want to discuss stomach contents, rectal tubes, sputum samples, or spurting arteries over dinner.

11. always always assume your sedated patient can hear you. also always assume your brain damaged patient can hear you. ALWAYS treat ALL of your patient with respect.

12. do not ever let a patient die alone.

13. Vicks Vapor Rub under your nose works great to help with not-so-yummy odors. So does putting a tea bag in your mask before you put it on.

14. it is entirely normal to hear ventilator, tele, bed, and IV pump alarms in your sleep during your entire first year as a nurse.

15. use good lotion to keep your hands from getting too dry from all of the alcohol antiseptics we have around.

16. a good stethoscope and comfortable shoes and scrubs are worth their weight in gold.

17. ask for help (see #5).

18. if you are caught up ask your coworkers if they need help (see #5).

19. when you have an opportunity to learn something new, take it. (see #5)

20. when you have an opportunity to teach something new, take it. (see #5)

21. if you clean your stethoscope with a bleach wipe after using it on a patient with c.diff make SURE you let it dry before you put it around your neck again... and after you've accidentally bleached your scrubs once or twice you'll never forget again.

22. nursing is an art, science, way of life, and a privilege. HAPPY NURSES WEEK!

thoughts on "My Sister's Keeper"

I've been through something that I don't think most people understand... it's something I don't believe you CAN understand unless you've experienced it. I just finished watching "My Sister's Keeper"... I'm probably one of the last people on the planet to see this movie... and everyone I know who's seen it reports becoming emotional, I even know a few men who've reported shedding some tears while watching this movie...

I had to pause this movie many times to sob... I am beginning to get misty eyed again as I type.. I don't just mean that I found it to be a sad story and it made me cry... what I experienced is something very different. I sobbed. I cried tears that I have been holding deep deep down inside in a hidden part of my soul. I cried tears I didn't know I still had inside me.

I cried for all of those years that I too spent so sick. I cried because it flashed me back to a time that I prefer to forget.. I cried because I suddenly realized how much my illness affected my family. I cried for all the days that my whole family was focused on me and my illness rather than my brother or my mom or my dad. I cried remembering laying on the bathroom floor for hours at a time only moving to lift my head to the toilet to vomit. I remember right after high school getting sicker and the bouts of migraines and joint and stomach pain becoming more frequent and I remember wanting to escape it... that maybe if I just could forget about it that it would go away. If I pretended it was no big deal then it wouldn't be... and in my 20s I remember all the nights I laid in bed before I went to sleep just begging a God that I was beginning to hate to please just let me die already. I cried as I watched this movie because I remember feeling so ugly and disgusting just like Kate did. I was not bald but I was too tired to shower and didn't care anymore what my hair looked like and was embarrassed by the numerous symptoms I had. I cried because I remember feeling so happy for my brother when he got married but at the same time I was so angry that I was "stuck". I remember my life revolving around the tv because tv was my escape. I cried because I remember a depression so great that I do not wish it on anyone. I remember all the thousands of hours my mom spent driving me to and from doctor's appointments, PICC line insertions, ER visits, hours on the phone with the insurance company... I don't remember telling my dad I loved him even once during those years.. I probably did but I don't remember doing it. I DO remember yelling at my mom and dad because I was taking out my frustration on them.. and then I remember crying and saying I was sorry. I remember day after day, year after year being in pain... I remember all the anxiety. I remember feeling embarrassed that I could not seem to take care of myself. I could feel myself reverting back to acting like a helpless child and it disgusted me.. at the same time I just didn't care because I was tired. I remember being embarrassed because I had a huge rash on my face and Bell's palsy. I day dreamed about being pretty again. I remember day dreaming about going back to school and going on a date and falling in love and getting married and having children. I always wanted to have children. I just wanted to have a "normal life". I also remember looking in the mirror and barely knowing what year it was and realizing I could never go to school in this condition. This movie reminded me of so many things I would much rather forget... but it's part of my story.

I am a miracle. Unlike Kate I survived... for reasons we may never know some of us get to keep going and some don't. Cancer and chronic Lyme disease are certainly not the same thing... but dealing with chronic illness and it's effects on the sick person and the whole family is universal. I still do not feel like I deserve any of this life I have today. I think there's some small part of me that still thinks God might have done that to me because He was angry at me or something. The rest of me knows this is not true. There's a part of me that lives in fear that this illness will come back and steal the life I have today. I may not have everything I've always dreamed of... I have yet to meet "him".. to find love.. I probably won't get to have children.. but I DO have so much that I never never ever thought I would get to experience. I had given up on every feeling happiness again. I have a social life again today. I got to go back to school and become an RN. Maybe some of you will read this and suddenly understand why becoming a nurse has been something I have been incredibly driven to do. Becoming a nurse to me is not even about the job or the role of a nurse... it's not about prestige or education or career or money... it's a God thing. It's the only way that I feel I can give back. I don't think that "normal" people can understand what it is like to lay in a hospital bed waiting to die unless you have been there... otherwise it's impossible to truly understand how someone can want to keep fighting desperately but also just want it to be over. Hope mixed with hopelessness.

There is no way that I can ever thank my family for what they have done for me, what they have given up, and how much they have fought for me when I wasn't even willing to fight anymore. I really want to just go on with my life and pretend this never happened... I want to forget but it seems important to remember.

It's important for me to remember so that I never take even one day for granted. I need to remain grateful for little things I have now that I didn't have before... like I can drive, work, cook, talk to friends, and spend time with my family. I get to be Grace's aunt. I don't know if my child was going through all of that if I could have handled it with as much grace and love and devotion as my parents did. My brother never yelled at me for being the one who got most of the attention... it's very humbling.

My mom had a box of old medical records from that time and asked me if I wanted them.. I opened it and started to read and wanted to vomit. I just can't go there yet. It's too painful. I told her to throw those records away. It's in the past. There's so much pain there still. The only explanation for my recovery is God. Nothing else makes sense. God saved me and my life now needs to be about something bigger than just me. I forget sometimes and feel sorry for myself or angry about silly things like someone driving too slow on the freeway or taxes being too high for my liking... stupid things. I've read 100s of NDE's... near death experiences. Whether you think they are real or not is up to you... and I'm not saying I believe all of them but I DO know that what I've gotten from reading them is a spiritual truth.. that when we die we will finally realize what truly matters and it ain't stuff or feelings or any of that... it's love. God IS love. That's all that matters. Maybe my experience with 15 years of chronic illness are a blessing... it's a painful lesson but I believe it changed me in my soul. It's a God thing... that's the only way I can explain it.

It's still so painful to remember....